Keep in mind that these things are minor annoyances – not in the range of things like Brett Favre, Phil Helmuth that make me want to drop kick my laptop whenever I read more about them – but I think you’ll be able to relate.

This is in no way a comprehensive list…but just a few fresh items.

Quick-Win Walkers

The best way to never get invited back to a home game is to win a big pot early and to split. Nobody’s in a friendly to make some bank. The tough fact is: if you win early, you’re probably going to have to piss half of it away during the night.

Cell Phones

These are the worst of the “reasons to leave the game” category. They hold up the action in the most infuriating way possible. I don’t want to hear your talking to your girl/lawyer/parole officer. The only acceptable reasons to leave the table:

• 45 second piss break (maximum)
• Getting a round of drinks
• Bank Machine run when things get out of hand
• Paying pizza guy
• Getting a lighter

That’s it.

“Pros”

And by Pros, I of course mean, “douche bags”. Obviously if you’re a friend’s friend and you get invited out for some casual poker you should wear some poker gear, dark glasses and headphones.

This isn’t poker after dark! These guys are good to have around when they lose, but the smugness that goes down after anyone folds to them is pretty insufferable. You can spot a ‘pro’ (even without gear). They’re the guys who are constantly running their mouths about what you’ve got, why they just made the most brilliant fold on felt and talking about how they were too good to be put on Face the Ace.

These dudes are especially embarrassing if you’re the one who brought them. Screening your poker buddies is a definite must. Average Frank from the office might be watching Rounders everyday on his iPod on bus ride home. You’ve been warned.

The “do all these red cards beat your ______” Guy

Yes. Yes it does, a$$hole. This is also the “holds his cards way to far out” guy and the “guy who finds out the chip value 90 minutes into the game”. He’s preferable to the ‘pro’, but it’s definitely less easy to swallow when this guy beats you on a suck out.

If you manage to avoid all this, you should have a good home game. Did I miss anything? Hit the comments to let me know what drives you mental during home games.

Intellivision is awesome. Sure, there’s no ultra-realistic graphics, dancing girls or whatever…but did you see the raw emotion on the dealer’s face? Seriously, I’m going to pick one of these up for the Carbon office on ebay.

The dude reviewing the game is way too calm for all the excitement that LVBJ&P has to offer. What’s his deal? I’m not sure where the clip is from, but anyone sitting at home while videotaping their TV of old video games definitely isn’t late for a party, if you know what I mean. Now if you’ll excuse me…I’ve got some really important things to attend to.

Just watch the video, ok?

• Delaware state trooper plays in high stakes poker game
• Three masked gunmen enter the room
• Said trooper assists in “1st-degree robbery and possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony”
• Idiots get busted, plead guilty
• Six years in jail for everyone!

This is pretty wild west for the great state of Delaware. If anything, this is good for their street cred.

The incident took place at the Wild Quail Country Club in February of last year. HyunJin Kim (the former trooper) says he’s sorry. So there’s that. Sentencing was carried out yesterday. So for the next six years, Kim will be playing for cigarettes and pretending he wasn’t a cop before landing in jail.

Lesson learned: watch your back in Delaware and lock the door while playing for high stakes. It must be a lot safer to play online… obviously.

Finally! I really needed some more reasons to never get up and leave my computer’s side. Even if I’m in Vegas, I might chill out in the hotel room and catch the action online.

While this is awesome poker coverage, it’s also a great jump in poker’s legitimacy. Getting accepted, documented and show by the World Wide Leader (of SPORTS) is some great ammo for poker in general. You don’t get much more mainstream than ESPN.

Bonus Carbon info: with some great play, you’ll be able to see our boys froliche and sliekas at the final table of the $1K event on ESPN360 on June 2 – the first cast done by the site. ESPN also scooped the $50K HORSE event on June 30.

As you can tell, we’re getting pretty excited for the WSOP around here, but there is still plenty of online action going off at CarbonPoker with everyday poker tournaments, games and action.

You might have to turn yourself into a poker zombie, but it’s worth it if you’re winning. A place like Vegas is open around the clock, so just take advantage of it. The best wakeup call is a growing bankroll. Here’s what you need to consider when you disregard your bed time.

Use Your Breaks Properly

If you are in a poker tournament, use the breaks in play to get up and walk around for a bit. A little bit of physical activity will give you some natural revitalization. I’m not saying you should do wind sprints in the Bellagio, but you might want to stretch your back, get off your butt and use your legs.

Caffeine is Your Friend

I’m a couple-of-cups-of-coffee-a-day kind of guy, so I might be a bit biased, but I’m in favor of keeping yourself sharp with a cup of joe or an energy drink. Tip your server early to make sure they’ll be around later on when you REALLY need it.

Focus On Tonight, Not Tomorrow

What, you’ve never been tired before? If you’re worrying about being exhausted the next morning, you should pack it in early. It’s like people that can’t have fun at the bar because they’re too concerned about the upcoming hangover. Sometimes you’ve got to put all that past you to get yourself in the zone.

Make Sure You’re Playing your Best Poker

Let’s face it; you are going to get a little tire. When you’re not getting your regular 40 winks, your judgment isn’t going to be what it should and you might experience some lapses. Some players tend to get a little more agro when they’re tired, or at least play a little looser. This is, of course, fine, but if it’s drastically affecting your play, you might need to consider the next section:

Know When to Call it

…the night, not the hand. Kenny Rogers was (obviously) right. Quit when it’s time to quit. You can always find a new game after you’ve put in some sleeping hours. You can always play some online poker tomorrow.

There’s no sense in looking like a punk, so here’s your guide to hosting a legit poker night.

The Setting

Ok, Joe Pesci. You think you’re ready to run your own casino? You’ve got to start with the table. It doesn’t need to be WSOP branded and flocked by railbirds, but getting something with velvet and chip holders can really make the difference.

Check online for some good deals. You don’t need to break the bankroll to get a table – and adding the authenticity makes for a better night. Do you really want to be sitting around the coffee table or the island in the kitchen?

Also – turn off the TV. Music is cool, but you want to limit the distractions. Please make the music cool — no Enya.

The Food

It’s pretty much a dude-night, so prep accordingly. Chips (not just the poker kind), wings, pizza… all that standard bullshit. Steer clear of anything too messy, greasy or attention consuming. There’s nothing worse than waiting for Larry to finish dusting his quiche with paprika before he decides to check raise…again.

The Draaaanks

What kind of casino doesn’t have drinks? Maybe some backwater Canadian places, but that’s about it. There’s nothing wrong with having beers and hard bar flowing to loosen up the tables. Adding another $20 to this part of the budget could substantially increase your take later on.

The People

For any good home game you need a few staples to keep all aspects of the poker game going:

• a few good bros – these guys will keep the conversation, game and dirty jokes rolling
• some donks you sort of know – this is a good opportunity to invite out your wife’s-sister’s-friend’s-meathead boyfriend that you met last Christmas
• the host – somebody to run the show. That’s you!

The Stakes

Obviously, if it’s a fun game, you don’t want anybody cleaned out. But you’ve gotta keep it interesting. Figure out what’s interesting for you and set it there.

Ok – now you know what to do. It’s ok to take a break from grinding it out online at CarbonPoker and actually see some real people. You don’t even need to download poker to do it. Try it out. I swear, some interaction will do you well… if you’ve got some friends to invite over.

The 25 year old Scot was checking out a few eggs he poached in the microwave (Ed note: really? a grown man cooking eggs in the microwave?), when they exploded and shot scalding water onto his face.

While he wasn’t torched like Kurt Russel in Backdraft, Broadfoot’s injuries were enough to send him for a hospital trip.

Obviously, as a soccer player, following the incident he spent about 20minutes on the pitch flailing around before anyone realized it was a legit injury. We couldn’t imagine this happening to a better guy.

Now as they downed a few drinks, talk gets loose, and curse words slip and slur through out the speech. “He had a good pair, so I pushed all in” comments one of the players just before becoming conscious of a table of men staring at him wide eyed with thinly veiled smiles. Suddenly becoming aware that the entire establishment was filled with almost exclusively male clientele. No wonder – there were in a gay bar.

Consider for a second the phrases used by a bunch of semi drunk poker players. , “he had the nuts”, “I got done on the river…”. , “I got busted on the flop”, “he raised..” “I tried with double down..but he raised”.

Brunson – 10 / 2
Alan Alda – A / A
Hooker – T / J
Truckers Hand – 10 / 4
CB Hand – 10 / 4
Maverick – Q / J
King Salmon – K / 7
Canine – K / 9
Big Chick – A / Q
Three Kings – K / 3
Bitches – Q / Q
Jack Daniels – J / 7
Flat Tire – J / 4
TNT – T / T
Boxcars – T / T
Kojak – K / J
Maxwell Smart – 9 / 9
Barbara Feldon -
Kid Dynomite – J / J
T2 – T / 2
Terminator 2 – T / 2
Bomber – 5 / 2
Beer Hand – 7 / 2 Offsuit
Double Down – 7 / 4
Heinz – 7 / 5
Nickels – 5 / 5
Can of Corn – 3 / 2
Quentin Tarantino – Q / T
Luke Skywalker – 4 / 4
Clint Eastwood – 4 / 4
San Francisco – Q / 3
Motown – J / 5
Jackson Five – J / 5
Ajax – A / J
Krispy Kreme – K / K
Baskin Robbins A / 3
Marriage – K / Q
Othello – K / Q Offsuit