First off, home games are great. It’s pretty much a license for a dude’s night – full of draaanks, cards and BS. But being the generally irritable blogger that I am, there are obviously things that rub me the wrong way (besides leaving the friendly glow of my computer).
Keep in mind that these things are minor annoyances – not in the range of things like Brett Favre, Phil Helmuth that make me want to drop kick my laptop whenever I read more about them – but I think you’ll be able to relate.
This is in no way a comprehensive list…but just a few fresh items.
Quick-Win Walkers
The best way to never get invited back to a home game is to win a big pot early and to split. Nobody’s in a friendly to make some bank. The tough fact is: if you win early, you’re probably going to have to piss half of it away during the night.
Cell Phones
These are the worst of the “reasons to leave the game” category. They hold up the action in the most infuriating way possible. I don’t want to hear your talking to your girl/lawyer/parole officer. The only acceptable reasons to leave the table:
- 45 second piss break (maximum)
- Getting a round of drinks
- Bank Machine run when things get out of hand
- Paying pizza guy
- Getting a lighter
That’s it.
“Pros”
And by Pros, I of course mean, “douche bags”. Obviously if you’re a friend’s friend and you get invited out for some casual poker you should wear some poker gear, dark glasses and headphones.
This isn’t poker after dark! These guys are good to have around when they lose, but the smugness that goes down after anyone folds to them is pretty insufferable. You can spot a ‘pro’ (even without gear). They’re the guys who are constantly running their mouths about what you’ve got, why they just made the most brilliant fold on felt and talking about how they were too good to be put on Face the Ace.
These dudes are especially embarrassing if you’re the one who brought them. Screening your poker buddies is a definite must. Average Frank from the office might be watching Rounders everyday on his iPod on bus ride home. You’ve been warned.
The “do all these red cards beat your ______” Guy
Yes. Yes it does, a$$hole. This is also the “holds his cards way to far out” guy and the “guy who finds out the chip value 90 minutes into the game”. He’s preferable to the ‘pro’, but it’s definitely less easy to swallow when this guy beats you on a suck out.
If you manage to avoid all this, you should have a good home game. Did I miss anything? Hit the comments to let me know what drives you mental during home games.
