First off, home games are great. It’s pretty much a license for a dude’s night – full of draaanks, cards and BS. But being the generally irritable blogger that I am, there are obviously things that rub me the wrong way (besides leaving the friendly glow of my computer).
Keep in mind that these things are minor annoyances – not in the range of things like Brett Favre, Phil Helmuth that make me want to drop kick my laptop whenever I read more about them – but I think you’ll be able to relate.
This is in no way a comprehensive list…but just a few fresh items.
Quick-Win Walkers
The best way to never get invited back to a home game is to win a big pot early and to split. Nobody’s in a friendly to make some bank. The tough fact is: if you win early, you’re probably going to have to piss half of it away during the night.
Cell Phones
These are the worst of the “reasons to leave the game” category. They hold up the action in the most infuriating way possible. I don’t want to hear your talking to your girl/lawyer/parole officer. The only acceptable reasons to leave the table:
- 45 second piss break (maximum)
- Getting a round of drinks
- Bank Machine run when things get out of hand
- Paying pizza guy
- Getting a lighter
That’s it.
“Pros”
And by Pros, I of course mean, “douche bags”. Obviously if you’re a friend’s friend and you get invited out for some casual poker you should wear some poker gear, dark glasses and headphones.
This isn’t poker after dark! These guys are good to have around when they lose, but the smugness that goes down after anyone folds to them is pretty insufferable. You can spot a ‘pro’ (even without gear). They’re the guys who are constantly running their mouths about what you’ve got, why they just made the most brilliant fold on felt and talking about how they were too good to be put on Face the Ace.
These dudes are especially embarrassing if you’re the one who brought them. Screening your poker buddies is a definite must. Average Frank from the office might be watching Rounders everyday on his iPod on bus ride home. You’ve been warned.
The “do all these red cards beat your ______” Guy
Yes. Yes it does, a$$hole. This is also the “holds his cards way to far out” guy and the “guy who finds out the chip value 90 minutes into the game”. He’s preferable to the ‘pro’, but it’s definitely less easy to swallow when this guy beats you on a suck out.
If you manage to avoid all this, you should have a good home game. Did I miss anything? Hit the comments to let me know what drives you mental during home games.
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Personally I love the “Pros” and “do all these red cards beat you ____” guys because it gives the rest of the table a good laugh for a month or 2 whether you’re at the table or hangin out somewhere else. Someone will always bring up something about these players and give everyone a good laugh, like “Hey, remember when you brought that douchebag Joe who thought he was the white Phil Ivey minus the skill and cool factor? Man what a douche, good thing we stacked the deck to screw him over.” Easily my favorite thing to do with jackasses like that, make fun of them at the table and find a way to screw them over.. priceless
Don’t forget the guys who need to “check in” with their girlfriends, so they get up and talk for about 20 minutes. All you hear is “baby” this and “honey” that, then you’re like “way to ruin the ambience asshole. Schmoopie.
Word of advice for wannabe live players…excuse the language…
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I thought I’d share a bit of advice for the new online players vs live action.
I just got back from a local “barn” poker fiesta.
Rural farm boys….
Narrowly escaped unscathed after taking everyone down…not once but twice.
Smallish stakes too..$25 entry, 1 rebuy. 9 players first takedown…new set of 9 next game
If it wasn’t for a local friend dropping in when he did – I wouldn’t be here now.
It was a bit fk’d up…..well, actually it was VERY FK’D UP. You see, I grew up out here in the boonies – in the middle of tobacco country in south western Ontario…major agricultural area.
Anyway…I moved to Toronto 25 years ago and recently moved back so everyone knows me or of me from the old days. But I might just have well been a stranger to them, yet they new me as “the computer guy” when I walked into the barn.
Now these peeps are built like a brick shit house – tall and solid muscle yet as dumb as a friggin slab of wood – but damn they are hard workers.
I’m not a small guy myself – 6′1ish – 185lbs so I can hold my own if needed. But not against 20 of them at once.
Each and everyone of them think they are poker god’s so it’s not about the money – they want and need the title of the best poker player on the planet…hell when I told them I saw Gus Hansen lose 1/2 million in 2 hands the other day on FullTilt they looked at me as if I had 2 heads or something…jeeeesh.
Anyway…..needless to say I took them all out in a few hours and they didn’t take it lightly, as I said – it’s not about the money..it’s about the “status” they want(and/or need)
One kid actually said he had placed a call for a “hitman” on my head….I said fk…why not take me out yourself idiotstick – why do you need to hire a “hitman”? no comment.
Just about that time one of my buddies dropped in who invited me to the game to begin with – he had to leave early for medical reasons, but thank god he popped in when shit was hitting the fan and coming to a boil.
Yes I won a fair bit of cash from them – like I said it was $25 entry with 1 re-buy – which they all had to rebuy – 9 of us in round 1, then a new set of 8 for the second round (me being the 9th of course) – you do the math.
Was it worth it? NO.
I’ll never play live again unless in a casino…if I do I certainly will need a bodyguard – PERIOD. (these boys carry shotguns behind their truck seats 24/7 for hunting – so jeeeesh – kinda scary)
Good luck on the felts!
Carbon name: 1bourbon
Biggest problem with home games is the bullshit 9 year old games my neighbors like to play like night baseball and acey douche i mean give me a friggin break and play some real poker ya bunch
freakin sissys!
You forgot about the guy who has to “think” about what he wants to do E V E R Y single hand, for what seems like hours. You have 4 choices – bet, call, raise, or fold. How hard can it be, right? You know the guy I’m talking about. By the time he is done and its finally your turn you have either forgotten what you planned to do or gotten so mad that you do something stupid that you wouldn’t have done under normal circumstances. This is the guy that everyone wants to break even his friends. lol
There’s always one idiot who will play any 2 and win with the garbage. You just wish it were the Wild West so you can just shoot em with your 6 gun.
Carla, I’m that guy. If Gus Hansen and Tom Dwan get applauded for doing it all the time, why do I have to be a donk? The way any player plays with his money is his business.
Yeah the thinker drives me nuts…action to them early in a tourney, no prior raise and they take 3 minutes to call or fold. Also, the person who needs to be reminded it’s their turn EVERY SINGLE TIME. We have a few like this that have played at least 20 times and still don’t understand blinds and when they’re supposed to act, trying to check after a raise, etc.